Book 1

Book One of Confessions of a Diarrhetic, also known as Pepto Abysmal

Confessions of a Diarrhetic Book 1: Pepto Abysmal           “…only a small part is played in great deeds by any hero.” —Gandalf Tonight while making bacon and eggs I opened the wrong Tupperware container, and what I found inside made me cry. It wasn’t a horrifying […]

Level 1: Yams

This is the Magic card I was thinking of when I wrote this chapter’s descriptions of my mom. I'm not saying she looks like a gigantic frog, only that her soul is large and unstoppable. Everything on the card is perfect, especially the italicized flavor text at the bottom. My mom is a beast.
Confessions of a Diarrhetic Book 1: Pepto Abysmal           “For nothing is evil in the beginning. Even Sauron was not so.” —Elrond Before the whole vomiting and crying over yams thing happened, I was already a bit of an iconoclast. I didn’t fit the mold. Every […]

Level 2: The Lion-Hearted-Bulldog-Of-A-Thousand-Paradoxes-Explained

Elizabeth is an editor who works for the Sweeney Empire which I introduce in Chapter 5. She is unstoppable. One time she was editing a 30 page document written in legalese for one of my clients. This was the densest, most horrifying kind of boredom imaginable and she rooted out every error including a double space between the end of one sentence and the beginning of another. I had to turn on Show Hidden Characters just to see what she was talking about, but she had noticed the slightly wider gap on a piece of paper! Elizabeth, like all of my invincible weapons, is amazing.
“It’s a dangerous business, Frodo, going out of your door.” —Bilbo Baggins Although it was strange, there was nothing new about CRA. Healing through applied forces like touch, thought and breath had been practiced for as long as man had roamed the earth. To the Hindus the centers of the […]

Level 3: Pepto-Bismol

This is a reenactment, but it's pretty spot on. In real life the blackened death shit looked almost exactly like this except it was more red than orange. I achieved this amazing special effect by mixing hot chocolate powder and Thai iced tea then splattering it all over my bathroom. It was almost as hard to clean up as the real deal had been.
“Your Ladyship, all we want is light and water: just clean water and plain daylight, better than any jewels, begging your pardon.” —Sam Gamgee And now, a word from our sponsors. Have you been vomiting blood for three days straight?  Try Pepto! It won’t do shit. Did you know?  I […]

Level 4: Ex-Lax

Hannah Odneal was the only person Vera did not get to quit. She made my life so much easier as I tried to piece together the papers Vera destroyed.
And no one was ill, and everyone was pleased, except those who had to mow the grass. —Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King About three years before I got sick I stopped talking to my mom. We had never gotten along. Cutting her out of my life […]

Level 5: The Time I Didn’t Talk to My Mom ...

“I’m coming down to you,” shouted Sam, though how he hoped to help in that way he could not have said. “No, no! wait!” Frodo called back, more strongly now. “I shall be better soon. I feel better already.” —The Lord of the Rings My mom was coming over the […]

Level 6: Two Sips of Water

At length they stopped, and sat side by side, their backs against a boulder. Both were sweating. ‘If Shagrat himself was to offer me a glass of water, I’d shake his hand,’ said Sam. ‘Don’t say such things!’ said Frodo. ‘It only makes it worse.’ It was July 30 and […]

Level 7: Terrifying Hiccups

“Yes,” he said, “I am here. And you are lucky to be here, too, after all the absurd things you have done since you left home.” —Gandalf My mom looked deflated, like a balloon three days after the party. Her skin hung in baggy folds; the scars of a champion. […]

Level 8: Clearing

Karen Groover didn't know how to email a picture of herself but when I hit up her Facebook account I found this little gem.
“Short cuts make for long delays.” —Pippin To be fair, my mom didn’t know the night I had just been through. To be accurate, I had tried to warn her. She promised not to touch me. She promised to keep to herself. My trap had succeeded beautifully. Even before she […]

Level 9: So Much For Taco Bell Part 1

I am very easily influenced by media. 'Good Will Hunting' inspired me to go to Europe. In this story guests on The Adam Carolla show got me to jump in a deprivation tank and take a trip to New York. The deprivation tank is a hilarious level where I hallucinate my face off and in New York I meet Emily who gets her own book in this tragically hilarious tale. Stay tuned for details!
Eventually the dog tired of being petted and wandered away. Another patient came in, sat down and began thumbing through one of the many bicycling magazines on the coffee table. My mom continued to spar with the woman behind the counter. I lay on the ground and moaned. Time passed. […]

Level 9: So Much For Taco Bell Part 2

Chuck Close has inspired me more than any other artist. After seeing an exhibit of his in New York I came back to Colorado and switched my major. The fact that I have a worthless art degree instead of a worthless philosophy degree is because of this great man. I love you, Chuck, keep painting.
“Stew the rabbits!” squealed Gollum in dismay. “Spoil beautiful meat Sméagol saved for you, poor hungry Sméagol! What for? What for, silly hobbit? They are young, they are tender, they are nice. Eat them, eat them!” He clawed at the nearest rabbit, already skinned and lying by the fire. “Now, now!” […]

Level 10: A Million Ways to Say ‘I Love You’

Zach D. Booz (yes that’s his real name) is a total stud. He’s a talented singer and amazing at ultimate frisbee. Before he got sick we played Dungeons and Dragons every week and danced our asses off on the weekends. Zach is my dance pupil. I’ve taught him everything I know about shakin’ booty and he soaked it up like a sponge. If we’re in the club watch out cos the place about to het highfy!
“But it does not seem that I can trust anyone,” said Frodo. Sam looked at him unhappily. ‘It all depends on what you want,’ put in Merry. “You can trust us to stick with you through thick and thin—to the bitter end. And you can trust us to keep any […]

Level 11: Zach

For two years I laid baited hooks on the bottom of the ocean and hoped to pull up a wealth of halibut, black cod and gray cod. it didn’t work out so well.
“I have claimed that Escape is one of the main functions of fairy-stories, and since I do not disapprove of them, it is plain that I do not accept the tone of scorn or pity with which ‘Escape’ is now so often used. Why should a man be scorned if, […]

Level 12: NUCCA

This is Will, third among the eldest. Will used to talk in a terrifying growl, like the kid from The Shining. His parents couldn’t get him to stop. He was also an exceptional artist for his age which boosted him to the top of the charts in my opinion. When I fist met Will he would crawl all over me and growl like a demon. Now he’s taller than I am and cool as ice. I hope I grow up to be just like him.
“I wish it need not have happened in my time,” said Frodo. “So do I,” said Gandalf, “And so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given […]

Level 13: In Which Hannah is a Dolphin

Peter Jackson’s interpretation of The Mouth of Sauron was awful, it was also one of the only interpretations out there. The best of the worst. In my imagination The Mouth of Sauron was as cool as he was creepy, you’ll have to make due with this shitty picture from Peter Jackson’s terrible films.
“I feel all thin, sort of stretched, if you know what I mean: like butter that has been scraped over too much bread.” — Bilbo Baggins “Wake up, wake up, friend, or I will twist the sword again.” I opened my eyes. The Mouth of Sauron loomed above, his blackened […]

Level 14: Saturday

This is Kyle, Jenn's husband. He was my first friend when I moved back to Denver. At the time the 4th edition of Dungeons and Dragons had just come out and I desperately wanted to play. I didn't know anyone so I took to the Internet and found this guy. Four years later we're still friends.
“And Frodo when he saw her come glimmering in the evening, with stars on her brow and a sweet fragrance about her, was moved with great wonder…” — The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King It was Saturday, October 6, a cold fog rolled in and the […]

Level 15: Little Ex

This is the fishing vessel Tenacious, a 50′ long liner ported out of Kodiak, AK. 50′ might seem big but this little punk was the smallest boat in the fleet, unless you counted the Russian boats, which no one did. Despite it diminutive stature the Tenacious was one of the best boats to work on. In Alaska there was something called quota. If you wanted to fish you had to own quota. One pound of quota allowed you to catch one pound of fish per year in perpetuity and the Tenacious had tons of quota. So much quota, in fact, that you could work without a break from January 1, when the season opened, through November 15, when the waters closed. No one could manage that kind of a shift, you’d burn out, but you could have as much work as you wanted for as long as you wanted if you managed to get aboard this ship.
“All my choices have proved ill.” — Frodo Baggins Gollum sat on the stoop watching Little Ex walk back to her apartment. His insides were wrecked, he had not slept in days, “Wretched, wretched are we! No food, no drink, no one to love, not even a tasty fish! Nothing, […]

Level 16: Aftermath

  I sit beside the fire and think Of people long ago, And people who will see a world That I shall never know. — The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring It was Monday morning and I was out of ideas. I’d woken up on the […]

Level 17: All Tomorrow’s Parties