Book 2

Book Two of Confessions of a Diarrhetic, also known as The High Priests of Exalted Medicine


…and round the neck of the bottle was a paper label, with the words ‘DRINK ME’ beautifully printed on it in large letters. — Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland It was October 26, 157 days after Nate Klein Deters drove me to Sweedish. I was sitting at the VA hospital in […]

Level 1: Hospital Magic Bang Bang


The rabbit-hole went straight on like a tunnel for some way, and then dipped suddenly down, so suddenly that Alice had not a moment to think about stopping herself before she found herself falling down a very deep well. — Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland Morning broke. It was Tuesday, May […]

Level 2: Prednisone



Down, down, down. Would the fall never come to an end! “I wonder how many miles I’ve fallen by this time?” — Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland “Hello.” “Hi honey, how are you feeling?” “Great.” “So the chiropractic adjustment finally took hold, eh?” “Not exactly.” “What do you mean?” “I went […]

Level 3: And Then I Stopped Sleeping


 “Mine is a long and sad tale.” — Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland I couldn’t sleep. The night lasted forever. I spent three eternities cooking and wandering around my apartment before slowly, impossibly, a bird began to chirp. The herald of morning brought with it release from the expectations of slumber, […]

Level 4: Early Bird



“Explain all that,” said the Mock Turtle. “No, no! The adventures first,” said the Gryphon in an impatient tone: “explanations take such a dreadful time.” —Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland I broke fast on the morning of May 31 with a plate of yams. The giant bald headed carrot eater  told […]

Level 5: The Blond Filipino


… and she tried her best to climb up one of the legs of the table, but it was too slippery; and when she had tired herself out with trying, the poor little thing sat down and cried. — Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland It was December 6 and for the […]

Level 6: The Long Walk Home Part 1



“I could tell you my adventures — beginning from this morning,” said Alice a little timidly: “but it’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.” I was stuck. On some stairs in a swanky clothing store downtown. My knees refused to bend. They were […]

Level 7: The Long Walk Home Part 2


“I shall be punished for it now, I suppose, by being drowned in my own tears! That will be a queer thing, to be sure.” — Alice My mood swung. I suddenly felt invincible. Parking was shit in my neighborhood so I decided to ride my bike to The Wizard’s […]

Level 8: Yams



“… for this curious child was very fond of pretending to be two people. ‘But it’s no use now,’ thought poor Alice, ‘to pretend to be two people! Why, there’s hardly enough of me left to make ONE respectable person!’” “Hey brother.” “You’re awake!” I had called my sister early […]

Level 9: Nathan Pierces the Veil, Steps Through the Beyond ...


‘But I don’t want to go among mad people,’ Alice remarked. ‘Oh, you can’t help that,’ said the Cat: ‘we’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad.’ ‘How do you know I’m mad?’ said Alice. ‘You must be,’ said the Cat, ‘or you wouldn’t have come here.’ —Alice’s Adventures in […]

Level 10: Steroid Madness



‘You should learn not to make personal remarks,’ Alice said with some severity; ‘it’s very rude.’ The Hatter opened his eyes very wide on hearing this; but all he said was, ‘Why is a raven like a writing-desk?’ —Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland I woke up with a desperate gasp, my […]

Level 11: Sara


… you drink too much out of a bottle marked ‘poison,’ it is almost certain to disagree with you, sooner or later. —Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland Sara left. I went inside my apartment and ate some steak and yams. My whole life I’d tried and failed to put words on […]

Level 12: Nathan Drops Out of School to Pursue a ...



“Fuck podcasts.” —Nathan Bryan Charles Carson I’ve given up, which is to say I won’t be podcasting any more. I don’t like making those things. I was recording them because I thought they’d make me famous. I’d still like to be famous but I no longer have the energy to […]

Level 13: Nathan Writes For 16 Hours Straight


“Why, I haven’t had a wink of sleep these three weeks!” —The Pigeon “I’ve been doing some research and you need to get those pills out of your apartment.” It was Ricky. He was calling from school. “Why?” “They’re dangerous. I just called Ask A Nurse and the lady said […]

Level 14: A Nine And Two Ones



“and what is the use of a book?” thought Alice… —Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland The podcasts are back. I missed making them. Isn’t that funny? I missed making something that was a pain in the ass. After a year and 40 episodes, I felt like something was missing. If you’ve […]

Level 15: The Hilarious AIDS Test


The Mock Turtle sighed deeply, and drew the back of one flapper across his eyes. He looked at Alice, and tried to speak, but for a minute or two sobs choked his voice. —Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland My fingers kept moving. I couldn’t see through the tears, but my fingers […]

Level 16: Postmodern



‘But it’s no use now,’ thought poor Alice,’ ‘to pretend to be two people! Why, there’s hardly enough of me left to make ONE respectable person!’ “Why Madonna?” I asked. Alon was sitting in a chair next to the bed where my emaciated body was resting. We had just finished […]

Level 17: The Kindly Ones


Here then is our glorious protagonist,  four hours before his first psychotic episode. I awoke. My stomach rumbled strange. It was 1:30 a.m. The potions Pat gave me were moving through my system. I wandered into the bathroom and took the strangest shit of my life. It was as if […]

Level 18: Parasitic Honey



A little madness petit fours to whet your appetite before the Big Chapter. I like making videos because they’re proof of what I suffered. No one realizes how bad it got until they see the videos. For some reason I need people to understand. ‘Who are you?’ said the Caterpillar. […]

Level 19: A Brilliant Glow


‘Wake up, Alice dear!’ said her sister; ‘Why, what a long sleep you’ve had!’ ‘Oh, I’ve had such a curious dream!’ said Alice, and she told her sister, as well as she could remember them, all these strange Adventures of hers that you have just been reading about, and when […]

Level 20: Later That Day